a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
