I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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