I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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