Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
