Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
