How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
