You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
