if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
