Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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