I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
