My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
