No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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