you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
