ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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