the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
