So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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