Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
