I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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