Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Shame - the story of my life.
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