ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
