I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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