mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
