So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
