i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
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