If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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