hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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