having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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