well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
