We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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