I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Randomize
