Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
