life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
It's blow job season.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
