to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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