Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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