My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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