Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
