Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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