she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
