I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
