So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
