Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
