nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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