I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
