don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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