Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
