I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
