Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
