She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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