I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
