Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
