Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
