the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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