Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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